What rules govern your enjoyment of life? Have you ever stopped to actually think about it? Do the rules which you live by make sense? Or are they merely antiquated ideas which were stuffed into your head during childhood with the best of intentions?
Tell me this…
What has to happen in order for you to be happy?
What has to occur for you to feel depressed or angry?
What has to happen for you to feel aroused?
Have you ever really thought about it? Because in essence these are the rules which govern your ability to manage those particular states of emotion.
What Rules Govern Your Love Life?
If you are fortunate enough to be in a loving, committed relationship, have you stopped to consider what rules might govern your spouse’s ability to feel loved?
What do you have to say for them to feel loved by you?
]What do you have to do for them to feel loved by you?
How do you have to touch them in order for them to feel loved?
The rules will be different for each person and everybody has a subconscious preset which determines whether they interpret experiences better visually, verbally or kinesthetically. This can present a challenge for couples where one partner prefers to be told “I Love You” while the other person prefers to be touched if their needs are not being met.
Both people in the relationship are likely to express their love and affection in the manner which they prefer to receive confirmation of their feelings and this can result in neither partner feeling connected and fulfilled because their rules for love are not being met. The person who prefers to hear the words “I Love You” might tell her husband “I Love You” every morning, yet he doesn’t realize it because he might need three hugs a day to feel loved… and so he’s always hugging her, but never telling her that he loves her and thus she’s not getting the reassurance that she needs either. In this particular instance, she is more verbally inclined and he is more kinesthetic.
So what’s the Solution?
Believe it or not, I’m going to boldly suggest that you sit down and talk about it… Crazy, I know. Be forewarned that it is quite often for people to have absolutely no clue about what their rules are when they first begin to explore this concept. So be patient with yourself and especially your mate if you drop this idea on them in the middle of dinner tonight.
Here it comes out of the blue… “So honey, I’m wondering… what are your rules for love?”
I assume no liability for beverages blown out of nasal cavities; car accidents; coronaries; or any other sort of calamity which might result from the uttering of such statements… I’m clearly telling you that it is necessary to warm-up to this exercise a bit before jumping head first into the deep end of the pool. It’s an easy conversation if you lead into it correctly, I usually do so by talking about the six human needs of human needs psychology and how they apply to the decisions which we subconsciously make every second of every day of our lives.
My Life My Rules
It is conceivable that every person on the planet has similar, but different rules which govern all of their emotions. The two fears which are shared by practically every person on earth is that (1) they will not be enough; and (2) that they will not be loved (because they are not enough and thus not worthy of love).
So don’t be surprised or upset if your rules for what has to happen for you to feel loved, experience happiness, angry, depressed, or even experience an orgasm are different than your significant other… Especially if you’re not in a same sex marriage, because that last one is completely different for men and women! Laughs…
But take the time to explore this concept, not only with yourself, but also with your mate and with other people who play a significant role in your life… It might improve your relationship with your mother because all of the sudden you’ll understand what needs to happen for her to feel significant (and oh yea, this is a BIG ONE, hint, hint). It might improve your relationship with your children (it’s like the same concept, but backwards, go figure). Or your neighbor, or your boss… “Hmmm, something to think about” my mentor Tony Robbins would say.
The Next Step
Contact me to schedule a free introductory session if you’d like to discuss this concept further and be sure to sign up for my newsletter for more tips on how to improve your relationship and your life! It’s full of tips for Personal Development and Personal Growth and I promise not to bombard your inbox very often.